I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
