listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
