My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
