The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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