i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
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