I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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