Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
