You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
