Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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