WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
