2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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