your room smells of hookers.
And success
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
