We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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