What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
