yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I haven't been this sober since birth.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
