I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
