I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
