the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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