I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
