Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
