he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
