im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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