I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
