dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
