it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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