I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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