Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
