ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
