My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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