The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
