Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Randomize
