sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Randomize
