I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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