No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
