I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
