Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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