I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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