if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
