i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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