talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The feeling are messing with the penis
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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