you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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