I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
