dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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