How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
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