sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
