The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
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