I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
