she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
