It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
