Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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