The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
